"Your duty is to your heart and to your well being. You can't do anything wholeheartedly if you don't do yourself justice first.So before you jump haphazardly into anything,trying to give your all.Make sure you give your all into this lifelong romance of loving yourself"
-Blair
I start off this year looking at my body in a new way. After spending the first day of the year on plus size blogs, and then shopping not for things that make others feel okay with me, but shopping for things that make me comfortable with me, this has been a long time coming.
Dear Bellissma, (that's what I call my body)
I know we haven't been the closest for practically our whole lives, but I just want to start off with the fact that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I never stuck up for you.The fact that I abused you,with hateful laughter, disgraceful looks,baggy unflattering clothes, razors, and starvation. I looked at you and thought, I never ever want to be her. She's fat,black, and truly ugly. Everyone kept saying you were beautiful but I bullied you. I shut them out and turned you into a disbelieving, bitter, bitch. And I forced you into the arms of guys who didn't care about you.I flaunted you around them like you were fishing bait. A lot of fish in the sea they say, but little did I know or expect, you were never meant to catch fish honey. I'm sorry for selling you short. While all the other kids played, had little crushes, ate the pizza at the birthday parties, you were too busy worrying about how I was going to fit into Sunday's best.Yeah one leg would fit in the new junior's pants mom got from sears,but not the rest. For every time we went back into the dressing room,away from mom,we'd fight bitterly.Struggle internally,just to come out and hear those words; "oh hun I guess we'll need a bigger size".For every time I heard them I hated you more!I never had the name brands because they had no name for my size.All the kids had better clothes than me.My friend asked why we couldn't be matching twins one halloween.Well that's because I didn't get a chance to truly be a kid,shopping in the kid's section. I wished I could fit into halloween.Because in that time,it wasn't made for us.
I could never be a Disney princess until I was 14,because that's when Princess Tiana came out. But before,I hated your colors. I'm sorry that we loved chocolate,and I hated that I ate it too much and it colored me on the outside and made me blow up from the inside out. I look like my dad. I loved him but hated you and it made no sense but I was sure I had it.A perfect balance of self hate and origin love.
I know now, God gave me mercy and new eyes.His eyes.To see that you and me,we're stuck with each other.I need you.Without me,you're dead.Without you,I'm nothing but a soul who talks too much. We've been through so much together and we're encased in a lifelong bearhug,married by God,and I'm sorry I wished for a divorce all of these years.You are amazing, beautiful, chocolate, strong,lively,vivid,and striking.You can be sexy but keep that on wraps for the babes ;). I adore the body you've grown to become fully of war scars,love marks,and your own personal trails of life.There is no one like you and you are flawless.You deserve the absolute best from me,from life,and everyone around you.I rewrite my vows to you,not to hate you but to love you unconditionally until you turn back to dust.To give you the best of everything that I can,because you've grown up having the worst.To everyone that compliments you now,let the sun in.Let it shine on you and let their praises create a beautiful song around you that you play everyday.And when their song stops,please,please,create your own. We may not be the ideal or best body and soul for some,but dammit if we don't make it look good and happy.And happy. And happy.And free.I love you.
Forever Yours,
Bri
